:)

i hate to go online.

whenever im online,
i can't help but to see the picture again,
i can't help but to refresh my wound,
i don't want to do it,
but i can't help it.

i can't help but to think,
why there isn't any images of us?
why?

only her?
why?

am i not pretty enough to be inside the albums?
or am i too fat?
or am i not worthy of being inside?
or are you hiding?

and then again,
why is she able to do that?
when she is nothing but a stranger.

i don't want to quarrel i just want to ask why.

it's killing me.
it's really killing me.

something that is so minor,
yet it never fail to always haunt me,
again and again.

its hurting me so much.

i know you didnt do anything,
but,
why is it all the pictures but US?

why?

i know i think too much,

but its really killing me,
its making me so afraid of the internet world,
afraid of what i might find out,
again and again,
and get upset again.

i don't know.

it's killing me,
it really is.



i love you.
i love you.
i love you.



maybe i shouldn't care about it anymore,
maybe i shouldn't.

maybe i should learn to care less,
maybe i should learn to be not bothered,
maybe i should be independent,
maybe i should do the same,
maybe i should let it go,
maybe i should cry,
maybe i should go out now,
maybe i should smile and say great,
maybe i should do something silly,
maybe i should shop til my banks empty,
maybe i should make myself happy,
maybe i should stop harping on this,
maybe i should be glad that i am still alive,

maybe i should forget,
maybe i should forget who i am,
maybe i should forget why am i here,
maybe i should forget why am i even bothering to type on the lifeless keypad,

maybe i should just sleep,
maybe i should just sleep and drift away,

and never come back.


maybe i really should.

then again,
i don't want to sleep,
because i don't want to wake up feeling lousy all over again,
the next morning.
i don't want.


btw i took out my tagboard,
felt like it,
so i removed it.

i don't want anyone to comment now.
i don't want.

don't ask me about it,
don't talk to me about it,
don't even take it to heart on what im ranting about.

i just don't want.


im just like a mad person now,
ranting.

i think i will be fine the next day,
i think.
i think i will try to hide the pain away,
if i can.


just don't care about what i am saying now.
whatever i say,
don't take it to heart,
don't get angry.

im saying all these cause i just felt like saying,
in a moment of anger/sadness/loneliness/madness.

please don't quarrel with me over this,
please don't.


and i don't know what to do now.


maybe i should just disappear from here.
maybe,
maybe,
and maybe.


but,
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.


had been a whooping 408days of love,
and counting.

i shouldnt let this affect us,
but it's affecting me somehow,
it's like a constant invisible force,
acting on you,
killing you bit by bit.

i need to overcome this fear,
somehow.

i don't want this to come back,
again and again and again,
til it drains all of me away.

and drains all of us away.


its like a grain of sand in your eye,
small,
but irritating,
and it makes you tear,
makes you angry,
makes you mad.

and its hard to get it out,
and its hard to make it go away.

if you leave it there,
eventually it will go away.

but another grain of sand will get into you,
and the feeling will haunt you again,
and again,
and again.

it's not good,
not good at all.


i need to get out the grain of sand in me.

and please don't add in more grains of sand into me.
please.


life's been really good with you,
and i have nothing much to complain.

but its just this,
this grain of tiny sand,
that keeps getting into me,
and makes me go crazy this way.

i can't help it.
i really can't.

i need to be strong.

i know you're good,
i know you're good.

please,
understand how i am feeling now,
and dont reproach me for behaving this way.


please just tolerate my nonsense this time,
because i just need somewhere to rant at,
without anyone judging.


im feeling way too energetic at 4am,
im feeling way too weird,
and crazy,
and angry,
and sad,
and mellow,
and lonesome,
and unhappy,
and silly,
and dumb,
and screwed up,

at four a.m.


i'm weird,
i think i am really weird.

or does anyone or everyone feel like this at some point or another?
does anyone?
or is there anyone?


i think i need to shop again tomorrow,
it's like panadol to me.
relieves the pain,

but the pain comes back to haunt.

either that,
or i disappear.

or not.

or i rot.
or i cry.
or i laugh.
or i hide.
or i eat.
or i eat again,
and rot again and cry again and laugh again and hide again and then eat again and be a weirdo again.


my brother is having fun with his friends the next room,
i am sitting in a corner in my room,
laptop on the floor,
doing silly acts,
with my sister sleeping soundly on the bed,
snoring contently.

i wish i can fall into a deep sleep now.
but i know i can't.
and i know i must not,
because i don't want to wake up feeling screwed up again.


but,

life has been good to me.

i've got wonderful family.
i've got wonderful friends.
i've got enough to spend.
i've got books to study.
i've got someone to love,
i've got someone to love me back.
i've got a shelter over my head.

i've got so many things,

i am happy,
i need to be happy,

i am contented,
i need to be contented.

because life is never enough,
just like love is never enough,
just like money is never enough,
and just like,

everything is never enough.


i'm weird,
i really am.

what am i doing,
and saying all these random things at four in the morning?


guess i need to find a world of my own,
and live in it for now,
til dawn breaks and a new day starts and i will probably be happier.

and i will probably forget what i have been feeling the night before,
until it comes back to haunt me again,
and then i will rant here again.

it's just mindless ranting,
read it with a pinch of salt,
or rather two pinches.

please please please,
don't scold,
don't quarrel,
don't judge,

just love me back.

because it's just mindless ranting.

yes,
mindless ranting.


it's ten minutes past four now.
i'm feeling weird at this point in time,
i'm feeling not myself.


i will probably recover a few hours later if i can.


please let me smile tomorrow,
please be nice to me tomorrow,

please be happy tomorrow,
please forget this pain when tomorrow comes,

please don't think about this tomorrow,
and ever again.

please learn to not take it so seriously.


i will try.

i need to be happy to live.


it's weird.
i'm weird.



i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

and i swear,
i really really do.





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